Many parents know that limit setting is important but they fail to do so simply because they do not know how to set limits.  The following guidelines will help.  First, decide the rules for your home.  Rules should reflect your needs, comfort level and values (i.e. respect, safety of people & property, nutrition, etc...).  Illness in the family may necessitate putting new rules in place or amending some of the existing rules.  Take time to decide what makes sense and is in the best interest for all members.  Then, communicate the rules to your children in a clear and concise way.  However, be sure that you NEVER introduce a rule in the middle of a problem when emotions are at a high.

Parents often make the mistake of forgetting to explain the rule in advance and the reason for each rule.  If it’s a good rule, it will make sense to children—even if they don’t like it.  For instance, if your rule is “no hitting” make sure to explain the reason for the rule even though it seems obvious.  You may say, “The rule in our house is no hitting because hitting hurts.  It’s my job to keep you, your siblings and all children who come into our home safe.”  Safety appeals to children as it is a basic human need.  Make sure they understand the rule.

When children test or attempt to break the rules, remember, this is not a negotiation.  Follow the three simple steps for setting limits:

Step 1:  Empathize--This means putting yourself in your child’s shoes.  Make sure she feels understood.  Let her know you “get” how she feels—even if you don’t like it and even though you won’t be letting her have her way.  [For example, “I know you’re angry that it’s time to go to sleep.  You’ve been having fun playing outside].”

Step 2:  State the limit clearly—Remember, this is not new information as they have already been told the rule.  [The rule in our house is we put on our pj’s at 8:30pm]

Step 3:  Give a choice (4 years and younger) or ask them what their options might be (4 years and older).  When giving choices, give only two choices and both must be acceptable to the parent.  They must be REAL choices not disguised threats. [“Would you like to put your pj’s on by yourself or have me help you?”]

Guidelines for the successful implementation of these steps:

• Be brief --too many words dilute the message.

• Be clear
• Use a calm tone even when you don’t feel calm (this is KEY or you will find yourself in a power struggle)
• Be FIRM & KIND
• Say only once.  Don’t keep repeating.
• Be consistent—your kids will know you mean business when you are consistent. Over time there will be less push-back.  Exceptions must truly be exceptions.  Tell them, “It’s your lucky day.  I’m going to make an exception b/c…”  This way they know that you are making an exception by your choice not because they wore you down.

Parents who have been letting things slide may find that when they first implement these steps, their children may up the ante by pushing harder than ever.  If this happens, give yourself a pat on the back.  This means that they have noticed that you are doing something different.  With time and consistency, your children will learn that whining and resisting is futile.   Above, all, find comfort in knowing that despite the physical health challenges that your family is facing, your family unit will run more smoothly and peacefully. 

Lauren Bondy, MSW, Certified LifeLine Practitioner, Parent Educator and Coach is passionate about helping parents create the joyful lives they dream of for themselves and their children.   As co-founder of Parenting Perspectives, Lauren has worked extensively with parents to help them enhance their parenting tools and develop strategies to promote healthy development and nurture the unique potential of their children.  Through The LifeLine Technique™ she guides parents to discover and release the subconscious barriers that inhibit parents from staying connected to their deep, loving connection with their children even when parenting challenges arise.  With barriers removed and new tools and strategies in place, Lauren helps families thrive.  She has presented workshops and courses to thousands of parents and teachers in the Chicago metropolitan area on a wide variety of issues including: power struggles, self-esteem, sibling rivalry, temperament, discipline, friendship and school issues.  She has been a keynote speaker on the topic “Raising Respectful, Responsible and Resilient Children in a Privileged World.”  She co-developed and teaches a highly acclaimed interactive, multi-week course for parents.  Her work has been called “eye opening, incredibly positive and non-judgmental.”  She has appeared on ABC-7’s “Connect With Kids”, serves on the Advisory Board for the National Effective Parenting Initiative and is a Certified Parenting Instructor through the International Network for Children & Families.  Lauren is the mother of three children.

Lauren is available for counseling, parent coaching or LifeLine Technique sessions.  For more information, or to contact Lauren, visit her website at www.parentingperspectives.com or call The Way to Optimal Health 847-714-1531.